Ventilation

In pain, but not suffering

2009-02-27T20:52:00.003Z

It is well understood that the capacity to forgive has been allowed us for our own consolation. Forgiving someone who has hurt you does nothing for his conscience, but it does everything for your own strength of character. It is an exercise in self-healing; in growing through brokenness.

But let’s not forget its wider reach.

When you choose to forgive you absorb into your own person that poisonous smog that hangs about; already fat but greedy and unquenchable. It is as heavy as all the unhealthy thoughts, wicked words, and acts of betrayal that have been, and heavier still if you let it fall on someone new.

When you make up your mind to abide the final blow yourself, you do a little to liberate us all.

It is a mighty strength to bear the end of a thing.

It is a great act of courage to let it rush into you and not be moved.

It is only bitter if you swallow it with a cup of self-pity.

The vain glory of life

2009-01-28T05:38:00.002Z

I have heard some interesting views on faith lately, and I must admit, of all the basic virtues that stand opposite the basic vices, faith has been the most difficult for me to settle down with.

Let’s review. We’re exploring the theory that everything you do is ultimately driven by good or evil, and more specifically, one of three root sins or one of three root virtues.

And further, everyone struggles in particular with one sin throughout his life.

I have many assumptions.

The root sins are pride, greed, and lust. The roots of good are faith, hope, and love. And they behave in pairs, or as opposite sides of a single coin.

Matters of the flesh have their source in either love or lust.

Matters of the soul are founded in hope or greed.

And matters of the spirit begin with pride or faith.

Following on, the flesh represents your actions, the soul represents your disposition, and the spirit represents the ultimate position of control in your life.

The original idea was that all sins are created equal and that everyone would find himself in a lifelong battle with one of the root sins; constantly repeating the same mistakes over and over again, always able to trace them back to pride, greed, or lust.

I went about examining test cases, observing and diagnosing as much as my subjects would allow.

Of course, no number of examples proves a theory. But just one example disproves it.

And now, one of my test cases has switched root sins on me!

I must revisit the theory, at least in part.

The cleanest design would see us wrestle through in a straight line; first with the stuff of the flesh, then with the substance of our character, and finally, and probably never decisively, with the right to our own existence.

But I can already imagine how tempting it must be to turn back from the most difficult struggle of all, the struggle for control, and return to an easier battle. I must leave room for this in my revision.

This week someone told me the opposite of faithful is to be a liar. I never thought of it that way, but it fits. If faith is an attempt to recognize God as having control of your life, and pride is the taking control of your own life; if there really is a God, and especially if you are a pre-destinationist like me, then of course, pride is a lie!

The question is, how does one ever really settle down with that?

The Blustery-X

2009-01-16T00:45:00.001Z

I would like to apologize for what is about to happen, for what has already begun. On behalf of my entire generation, I am so sorry.

You may have noticed, Generation X is entering midlife. Our key role in society is shifting from activity to leadership: parenting, teaching, directing institutions, using values.

Warning - we are not qualified!

MistirY is not the only one of his kind. There are many more of us lurking dangerously close to the ledge of promotion. Our egos are too big to admit we are not prepared.

Watch us as we seize upon opportunities we have not earned. Watch as we allow ourselves to destroy everything we get our hands on. We will usher in a secular crisis the likes of which no one alive has ever seen.

There is no solution.

In fact, this is not a problem; it is a condition of this moment in time. And this moment has only just begun.

“It’s going to be a wild ride” all right.

Thank you, William Strauss and Neil Howe, for all your depressing insight.

Sometimes speaking into the void is all you can do

2008-04-04T17:39:00.000Z

It’s always the thing that reminds you of yourself that you hate in someone else.

Two times in my life I have said to someone ‘we should not be friends anymore,’ and to be honest, I thought it was a logical thing to say at the time. I guess I thought you could break up with friends just as you would a lover. If you already know that the friendship is going to fade away through distance and time, why not set the expectation and mutually agree not to pretend or bother?

I don’t claim to understand friendship, nor do I claim to have ever been a real friend to anyone. At best I can say that there are people in my life with whom I can always pick up where we left off, no questions asked, no apologies necessary. And beyond that, there are people I see and chat to every day. Is any of that friendship? I have no idea.

Yesterday Nathon said he didn’t think we should be friends anymore. And because it reminds me of me, I hate him for saying it. Whether or not it’s logical; and even if he’s just kidding, testing me, or amusing himself is irrelevant now.

Sometimes lovers get back together after they break up. They say love can cover a multitude of sins. But what about friendship, can it ever recover?

Forgiveness, maybe; but reconciliation, I don’t know.

Manners

2006-08-15T21:52:00.000Z

Still struggling to determine your root sin? Perhaps we can learn something from your prayer life.

Pride vs. faith

A faithful person discusses many of life’s moments with God, generally before the moments occur. A prideful person discusses fewer of their moments with God, and usually in retrospect; more of a telling than a confiding.

Prideful people talk to God a lot, while faithful people usually listen.

Prideful people pray for shorter periods of time. Their lives are more about themselves and when they can fit God in.

A faithful person probably has time set aside specifically for prayer and studying the Bible.

Greed vs. hope

A hopeful person spends a lot of prayer time in what some might call meditation; or for those more versed in church-speak, just being in the presence of God.

And this might sound obvious, but greedy people ask more during prayer. They might ask for "good" things, but there’s a subtle giving of responsibility back to God, which leaves less for them to assume. "Please make this work out according to Your will," for example, as opposed to, "I already know You have everything under control."

Greedy people prepare to pray.

A hopeful person sees prayer as a means of building his relationship with God, coming into prayer just as he is with no agenda.

Lust vs. love

The only pattern I have found in a loving person is that he generally prays for other people. This person maintains a long list of prayer requests and prays through them incessantly.

A loving person is at risk of becoming robotic in his prayer life. In spite of his good intentions to pray for everyone, he simply cannot put forth the amount of empathy he wants to for each request, but he cannot not pray for the people on his list either.

Lustful people spend most of their prayer time in confession. Not confession and moving on, but almost a dwelling on their sins and how bad they are.

They, more than any others, are aware of and sincerely desire some sort of deliverance from their sin. These are the people who know what it means to truly grieve over sin.

Someone sent me a quiz recently that starts by asking you to give a word that, to you, describes a dog, and your answer is supposed to reflect how you view yourself.

Interestingly, my lustful friend used the word dirty.

I used friendly, a quality to be "proud" of, and my greedy friend used loyal. Perhaps signifying his commitment to pursuit?

Certainly we must fluctuate between two extremes; sometimes offering a spirit-controlled prayer, other times clearly controlled by our sins.

And though the root sin theory still applies, we must move on to the broader concept that all our behavior is defined not only by one root sin, but also its opposite good; from now on, the fundamental manner theory.

Passing

2006-08-01T23:18:00.000Z

Why are so few of us afraid to fall asleep at night while so many of us are afraid to die?

Aren’t these moments very similar, a going from someplace known to someplace unknown?

Perhaps we trust the statistics, having slept and woken up safely so many times before.

I wonder if babies are afraid to fall asleep. Is that why they need to be rocked and cuddled?

Some people have actually found a way to control sleep.

Ailyne can wake herself up a few minutes before an alarm clock goes off even when she doesn’t know what time the alarm is set for. And my husband is the same way. He never lets the alarm go off in the morning.

If I were left alone, I wouldn’t stir before noon. Sleep definitely controls me. But then again, it’s arguable that I control my sleep with the way I live the rest of my life.

Another one of those things I could manage, but don’t; my life.

I really must find a therapist.

I have never understood how some people can say they feel ready to die.

That said, I can imagine how someone burdened with greed, always chasing the future, would see death as a relief, a peaceful end to a constant struggle.

It’s not ‘what happens next’ that makes death hard to face, assuming that is already settled for you. It’s that one moment of passing.

Do you think everyone reaches a point where they feel ready to face that moment?

I only blog when I feel skinny

2006-07-13T00:48:00.000Z

Speaking of volleyball, I just realized why I hate sports. It’s because I never feel in control.

Not only can the ball go anywhere any time, but the other players are also looking for every opportunity to surprise me.

It’s a helpless feeling, no matter how much I have practiced. The dreadful wondering what might happen next is…well…dreadful.

I think that’s why I like running, because there are no surprises.

And yet I hate running, because, although I control my progress, I don’t progress.

The only thing that feels worse then being out of control is being in control and doing nothing about it.

I don’t understand why I hate being out of control, and yet I don’t tame the things that I hate that I can control, like these fat thighs.

There is some joy in masking a weakness, but it will always be there distracting you from any sense of achievement.

Vanse is the kind of guy who is ready for every surprise, in sports at least. He welcomes the challenge. And although he does a lot of training, I think the key is that he is first of all not afraid to fail.

Being skinny might make me better at sports, but the real test of my progress will come tomorrow morning when I decide whether or not to wear shorts in public.

Confessions of a snob

2006-04-14T01:36:00.000Z

For many years our company held an annual volleyball tournament, and people from all our regional offices gathered for a weekend of ‘team building’. I had just joined the company when the last of these legendary events was taking place.

I had only made a handful of friends, but I was not without a boogie partner at the main reason most people came to the event, the disco.

The immoderation began in the theater, a massive stage at one end where the DJ stood, tipsy ladies being lifted up onto the stage.

The only reason I noticed Eren in particular is because she and I were both new. She seemed to have bonded with a petite blonde that all the guys were very fond of, and by association they were smitten with Eren too.

You can imagine how ridiculous I felt when I found myself wanting to know how she got to be so popular so quickly! And when I realized I was wondering what was wrong with me, well, I knew one day I would blog about this.

Still, I couldn’t keep myself from analyzing the scene. Their dance floor etiquette was snobbish, and that wasn’t just my junior high insecurities running wild. I assumed this was a club I would never be invited to join.

As it turns out, my desk was near the Tory and Eren fan club. And oddly enough, they seemed all-right.

Not only are all men are worth befriending, (not all women - see previous post) but they are also easy to win over. I just placed a candy bowl on my desk.

Eren would come down and visit on occasion, but there was never a reason for us to meet until, one day, she wanted to get a big group together for a concert. A band I love, and all of a sudden we’re friends.

The band is just one of a thousand things we have in common. It’s so funny to think about the first impression I had of Eren now.

She is not a snob.

And yes, sometimes I am still a fragile junior higher, desperate to be remembered when someone is thinking of everyone that matters.

Eren and I have a new friend who is quite high maintenance. Leah sits beside me, and when Eren comes by, we can make a bit of a scene.

Last Friday we decided to go out for Pad Thai, and I was insistent we go to yoga first, as we always do on a Friday, and then have lunch afterwards. Eren was insistent we skip yoga.

Later on came the epiphany.

If I had overheard our conversation about Pad Thai and yoga, I would have been desperate to be invited or even noticed. I would have thought that we were snobs.

It was very self-centered to have such an exchange in public, not knowing who might still be bearing those junior high emotions around us.

I confess, I am officially a snob.

And now I understand.

Snob is not a verb. Snob is a label.

I can’t snob or snobberize or snobble you. The best I can do is ‘be a snob,’ but that’s a label.

When someone is labeled a snob, I would argue that has little to do with the intentions of that person, and more to do with the insecurities of others.

You can’t invite everyone to lunch all the time. That is irrational. The only thing a ‘snob’ might be guilty of is not being aware of the sensitive people around them. Self-absorption is their sin, but hey, aren’t we all self-absorbed? So we’re all snobs.

After all these years, I can finally join the crowd!

Gray matter

2006-03-25T01:07:00.000Z

It's not that I believe the world is just or that life is fair. It's just that I have never been so personally offended.

To set the record straight, this person was on the list, so it’s not that I expected more from him.

And it’s not that I expected more for myself anyway, but I did expect more for the others, something better than that!

And the worst thing I could possibly have to write next, I now must confess. Tonight, over a bowl of Penne del Giardino, I was guilty of the same offense.

Had I been awake, I would have seen it coming. I always hate the things in others that remind me of myself. But this time, I did not realize it was me.

Elvis says he is judgmental, and he says it so easily that it is probably not true. Either he has never been, or maybe he was once, but now he knows how to manage it.

Every time we discuss it, I decide it is a struggle I don’t have to face because it is a problem I don’t have.

The word judgmental simply means ‘inclined to make judgments’. Who can say they are not judgmental, then?

But the connotation of the word is negative...‘inclined to make judgments, especially moral or personal ones’…and mostly about other people.

The sin of judgment is not putting yourself in a position over another or believing that you understand more than he does in a particular situation. Both can be true, and you can recognize it without sin.

Recognizing truth is not a sin.

Believing that you have earned or deserve a special place above someone else is sin.

Presuming that your ability to judge one particular matter applies to any other situation is also, probably, sin. There are people who have a special calling to judge, but that is not likely you or me, dear reader.

There is, as usual, a fine line.

And I, as usual, find myself on the wrong side.

These were the signs.

I have learned a little bit about the law in this past year, enough to know that it doesn’t have to be right or wrong; it just has to be arguable. As long as it’s arguable, and you have a good lawyer, you might wear the other side down and get by with it.

It’s arguable that closely knit groups do, in fact, share the same negative qualities. After all, stereotypes exist for a reason.

And it’s arguable that people really do behave as they always have, and that two make a pattern.

But thank goodness everything with God is black or white. Even a fine line is not gray.

And lest I let the moment pass, I’ll remind you that if you think something is gray, you just haven’t thought about it enough. That is, you haven’t gotten to the root of the matter yet.

Oops, I did it again

2006-03-16T00:44:00.000Z

Is there one thing that you do, that you know you do, that you don't want to do, that you still do?

And do you sometimes stop doing it for a while and think it's gone?

But then does it creep back up on you, out of the blue, and all of a sudden you're doing it again?

And have you tried to control it, but putting attention on it just seems to make it happen more?

Well, I know exactly how you feel.

Resist

2006-02-21T00:30:00.000Z

It's better not to say it because once you say it, it's been said.

I have deleted the list

2005-11-29T02:28:00.000Z

Keeping it was only making me mad.

I added Fostar last week after he told my boss he couldn’t get his job done because he was receiving no support. But putting Fostar on the list did not make me feel better. There is no justice. It’s just a list.

When I am losing an argument, I change the subject. When my way is blocked, I change course or change my mind about wanting to go that way. What I’m really trying to do is regain the control I feel I have lost.

The result is a good one, though. I am always satisfied. Someone bet me last week that I always get what I want. My answer was, “no, I just always want what I get.”

Sometimes the only thing you can control is yourself.

I am not sure which is more unpleasant: to lose control to another person or to lose control to a situation. For me, people seem easier to control or escape. Situations can be very tricky.

Of course you can run away from a situation, but you don’t have to be in a situation to still want to (and still try to) control it.

How many exes are obsessed with controlling the ones they left?

And running is just another way of controlling anyway, even if it’s simply controlling how much the situation really matters to you.

I am becoming convinced that the root sin we choose to cultivate has everything to do with what we feel is most out of control in our lives.

The list was an attempt to control my irritation at the futile yet continual employment I observe around me. But the frustration remains because I have no control over the root issue.

And keeping the list made things worse. Is that the list controlling me, or me not really wanting to escape the anger?

So, I deleted the list, and that puts me back in control, right? If nothing else, I am in control of what I do next.

Maybe I will just let it go.

Enough

2005-11-10T01:41:00.000Z

I used to think I became myself during my early 20s. Some people say you continue to become your whole life. But I have just realized that I’ve been myself all along.

You know that embarrassing childhood story your parents always tell? Well, mine is actually very telling.

Maybe it was black eyed peas, it doesn’t matter, but it was my favorite food at the time. When they were fixing my plate, I said I wanted “too much”.

Okay, that’s not the real embarrassing story, but did you really think I was going to tell it to you? You’ll have to talk to my mom about that!

Even as a child, too much didn’t seem inappropriate to me.

I am excessive, that’s me. Always have been, always will be.

Every word is superlative, every story exaggerated.

I like my music too loud. I stay up too long, sleep too late. I say too much. I go too far.

Too much is more than enough. But what is enough? I don’t think I even know what enough is.

I never recognize the moment when I am standing right on the line. I only notice the line after I have gone well past.

It’s arguable that I need a boundary setting exercise. But how do I set a boundary on how much I talk? Do I limit my words and then count? Some of you can imagine me actually doing that, but numbers seem sort of arbitrary here.

I can’t foresee where the edge of a conversation will be, nor can I tell when I am dangerously close. But there is no doubt when I am out of bounds.

Perhaps I ought to look back on an unfortunate conversation and try to pinpoint the line from this angle.

Coincidentally, the boundary seems to be the starting line.

Enough was none at all.

Meekness

2005-10-01T02:10:00.000Z

When someone offends you, that doesn’t always mean you need to forgive them. It may mean that you need to bear with them.

Our “I know my rights” society has distracted us, and with good intentions, even Christian books and counselors have helped us forget how to just let it go.

Not every offense is an occasion to be offended. We have become too sensitive!

Forgiveness is for sin, and forbearance is for every other discomfort we experience.

When you say you forgive someone, you have judged them first. You have ruled that they have sinned against you, and you have detained them until (a) they pay the debt they owe you or (b) you release them.

I don’t see how we can understand this process and still feel proud of ourselves for releasing them. Surely we ought to be ashamed of ourselves for indebting them.

I wonder if there has ever really been a time when I needed to forgive someone. Only God can cause someone not to pay the price for sin. My forgiveness does not release them from the price of sin. It only releases them from the debt they owe me, but who am I to say they owe me something for the discomfort I have felt?

Meekness is a lost virtue, or maybe virtue itself is lost.

Forbearance

2005-09-28T02:03:00.000Z

What’s so bad about being Mallory anyway? She means well.

Lately I have been letting people off the hook if I think their intentions were good at the time they made a mistake or a bad decision.

I know that when God judges us, sin is sin, regardless of our intentions, but what about as we bear with each other? Should our intentions count?

Randy nurtured a pet project a few years ago that demonstrated some very interesting potential, but it never found its business realization. He eventually found a way to resurrect it when the business was ready.

Work proceeded, but when the time came to put the system to the test, there were obstacles preventing it from being made real once again.

Some people argued it was unwise to proceed. Randy insisted it was the only way we could go forward, not just the preferred way.

I was convinced.

A struggle ensued; a stand-off, actually.

Was Randy too attached to his pet project to make a good decision? Maybe. But did he make decisions with good intentions? Probably.

After years cultivating the idea, surely he must believe it really is the right thing to do. So, Randy escapes blame.

If someone is doing what they honestly feel is right, I must forgive them, even when they are clearly wrong.

This means you’re free too, Siman.

And there may even be hope for Mallory…one day.

Apt

2005-09-20T23:55:00.000Z

Right before she left on vacation, Mallory drew a picture on the white board in her cube, a picture of herself in a beach chair not thinking about work, not missing anyone. She came back to find her peaceful scene in a mess. There was rain and there were sharks. She was sunburned and the island was under missile attack. Someone had even left a personal note.

“Manipulative bitch”

Why don’t people just say what they really mean?

Actually, sometimes they do. Sometimes, I do. And we tend to think that as long as everyone is laughing, we’re getting by with it.

I know who wrote that on Mallory’s board, and I know it wasn’t the first time harsh words passed between them. They were always laughing, but maybe they meant every word.

Now and then I say the very thing I mean, even if it is unkind. Speaking the truth can actually make the truth less believable.

Some things we assume no one would ever say out loud. Saying these very things can actually create a win-win situation for everyone. It gives relief to me, just having spoken it, and it liberates you. Surely your suspicions can’t be true because I have just said it, and no one would ever say that if they really meant it.

I doubt he was trying to liberate me today, but Cramer said I am manipulative, and I am.

Too much of a good thing

2005-09-12T00:38:00.000Z

I almost never remember my dreams, and I was starting to wonder what I was missing. Based on about 15 minutes of research, I prescribed myself a vitamin B-6 supplement every day and a reminder every night to remember. So far it’s working.

As it turns out, though, I wasn’t really missing anything. Most nights I just reel through a series of meaningless scenes.

I know some dream analysts argue that your dreams can reveal secret fears or desires, so here’s one for you. What does my pouring olive oil on and preparing to eat the front seat of a convertible 1970s looking Cadillac that can also fly and is 700 years old say about me? Analyze away!

The best one was when I dreamed I had woken up and gotten ready for work, only to find out an hour later that I had actually turned off the alarm clock, gone back to sleep, and dreamed the whole thing. I couldn’t believe none of that had actually happened!

Isn’t it weird that our dreams can be so real? Have you ever had a dream about someone and actually experienced something so real that is affected your relationship with them the next day?

Where do dreams fall in the scope if sin? Are we responsible for them?

If we were able to tell ourselves what to dream about, then I suppose we would be responsible. Or if dreams really are indications of the desires of our sinful nature, then we are responsible.

I think I'm probably going to lay off the B-6.

There's Something About Elvis

2005-09-07T23:58:00.000Z

Two of you are convinced you are Elvis, and you’re both wrong. But clearly, there’s something about Elvis that makes everyone want to be him.

All you know about him is what I have written in this blog. Let’s recap:

(1) He knows his issues and keeps them under control.
(2) He contributed to these theories by being the way he is.
(3) I don’t know what his root sin is.
(4) He likes balance.

And that is all that I have made clear. You would have to be reading between my lines to realize the rest.

I suspect it is his self-control that you like. I have said before that we all love to be or feel in control. You like the idea of being someone who controls himself. More specifically, you want to be someone who controls your issues, and therefore you like and want to be Elvis. Interesting.

Roots at Work (part 2)

2005-08-26T02:36:00.000Z

Services jobs are more about being reactive, professional jobs about being proactive. Your usual style ought to determine which of these jobs you’ll feel most comfortable in.

In my experience, many people caught between pride and faith excel at resolving problems or responding to situations. Getting to the bottom of a problem is a very quick way to boost your ego and reaffirm your own self-importance. I would expect prideful people to do very well in jobs where they can find short paths to success.

I also know several people with the root issue of greed vs. hope who are excellent planners and have great foresight. I would expect them to strive in professional careers where they can indulge their obsession with the future.

However, this doesn’t leave a job category for those who struggle with lust. And to further complicate, since I know very few people who are likely to struggle here, it is impossible for me to generalize based on patterns I have observed anyway. The good news for me is this. I have finally found someone who acknowledges their own struggle with lust, and perhaps we will make sense of this root issue after all.

In the meantime, for those of us in professional jobs, here’s something to think about. Take your salary and divide it by 2000, the average number of hours a person works each year. Did you earn as much as you were paid in the last hour?

Now divide your hourly rate by 12. That’s how much you get paid to go to the bathroom.

Or divide your hourly rate by 6. That’s how much your company pays you every time you go out for a cigarette break.

Should you really be in such a rush to get out the door at exactly 4:59?

Roots at Work

2005-08-23T01:39:00.000Z

There are two types of jobs you can have; one where you’re paid for your time and one where you’re paid for what you provide.

A good example of the former is someone who works at the customer service desk in a department store. He is there in case any customers come along and need help. If no one needs help, he still deserves his pay, because his job is to be there, period. This person does not have to think about what he should start doing, he only has to wait for someone to ask him to start doing something, then he must do it, and later he can go back to waiting again.

Most people employed in the services industry are paid in a corresponding manner, by the hour.

A doctor is another example of someone working in the services industry, and they are paid not only for their time, but also for their equipment, their office space, their signature, etc. But still, they are on an itemized pay scheme.

The rest of the jobs, and probably most jobs which pay a fixed salary, are not so well defined. In fact, I don’t even have a good word to describe the industry. I shall use "professional" although it is not the word I would like to use.

In most of these jobs you are employed to play a certain role in a company. A project manager is a good example. You may be given a description of your role just once, and after that you are expected to make decisions and take action in order to provide the results that should be provided through your role. You must think about what you should start doing and do it. You are most likely expected to recognize what others ought to be doing as well. In order to understand your own role, you have to understand the roles of everyone else you interact with.

Many people in professional jobs are very confused about this system. They mistake the idea of “management” for the itemized pay scheme of the services industry. They sit around and wait to be told what to do, and they’re very surprised when their contribution is questioned. They believe that if no one has asked them to do anything, they still deserve their pay, because their job is to be there.

Actually, they are in the wrong career.

To be continued…

Anthropology

2005-08-13T22:20:00.000Z

Have you ever discovered two people living the same life? One is 20 years behind the other, but Nathon is living Kelly’s life. All the major milestones are right; even some of the minor details are there.

Ally has been a friend of friends for some time, but it was only recently that we properly met. In many ways we are living the same life. And Layne is living our life 10 years ahead of us.

I am fascinated.

I wonder how many variations of life there really are. If you reduce it down to the fundamentals: personality, the type of family you are born into, the type of family you choose to produce, relative financial security, geographic and religious culture; even if each of these splinters us into ten segments, you can still expect to find one person exactly like you in every million you meet.

I guess that really does make each of us one in a million.

I presume history underpins and redefines the fundamentals. Or maybe that’s what creates the average man. There is a clear difference between the generation who lived through World War 2 and those who live now that the diagnosis of ADHD has replaced a parent’s responsibility to discipline. Perhaps the average man simply oscillates through history, much like Israel.

Alas, I am merely a closet psychologist. People are far easier to understand than the cultures they create.

Balance

2005-08-10T00:11:00.000Z

Why does it feel so good to be somewhere in the middle?

When I started my first job I was asked to fill out a Birkman questionnaire; basically another personality test, the results designed to help teams understand each other and therefore work together more effectively.

Upon review of my results, and even further as we reviewed the results of my new team, I got the impression that having a usual style somewhere in the middle of the color square was most desirable. And those who were extremely yellow, for example, were essentially the purpose of our teaming session, the ones we’d all have to learn to love.

Based on my experiences, balance has come to mean an absolute zero tendency toward anything, similar to that place where you have no desire of your own. And therefore, balance is desirable because it is a state of neutrality toward self.

But Elvis was right when he said balance is equal amounts of extremes. In fact, that is the actual definition.

Balance is a state of confusion, not peace.

Equal measures of opposing pressures must cause someone to struggle with themselves constantly.

If we are to overcome our root issues, balance must not be our goal. We must go beyond it and begin to favor of our root good.

Balance is only halfway there.

Greed vs. Hope

2005-07-30T23:10:00.000Z

Both greed and hope have to do with expectations. Greed is a pessimistic expectation whereas hope is an optimistic one.

People who deal with these roots may find it difficult to attach importance to events in history that did not produce an obvious effect on the future. At the same time, their past is largely controlling their outlook on impending life.

Those who feel they have generally met with gain tend to be hopeful in their view. Those who believe they have suffered loss or disappointment, as a rule, expect more of the same.

Greed is not just the taking of matters into your own hands, per se. Yes, it does cause people to store up materials and plan how they will force the future to be kind to them, but just like pride, greed has a deeper meaning than a dictionary can provide.

The real root of greed is the belief that you deserve a better past than you had and, even more so, a better future than you expect.

Hope is the relief of letting go.

Threes

2005-07-29T23:40:00.000Z

In many threes there are two apparent opposites and one greater, dovetailing concept. You might assume the list is all-inclusive after two. Then after you hear the third, you wonder how the list would be complete without it. It redefines the list in a way.

As you are aware, I am struggling for the third part of the root cause theory. We have the root sin thesis and the root good antithesis, but we are still missing their synthesis.

Could this structure apply to the root sins? Are greed and pride on the short list while lust redefines it?

What about the three root goods? After all, the greatest of these is love.

A wonderful three to live by is knowing there are three sides to every story: your version, my version, and the truth.

But what about the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit? Does this fit the concept? Does one redefine the other two?

Was the Holy Spirit unanticipated? Father and Son would have seemed whole. But now that we know the Holy Spirit, I can’t imagine the Father and Son without Him!

Controlling Myself

2005-07-26T23:40:00.000Z

Masen lives in another city but commutes to work in our office, staying a few nights in the company flat every week. I don’t know how he finds being alone.

We ran into him about two weeks ago in a Chinese restaurant at about 11:00 at night. He had clearly just enjoyed the traditional “few drinks down at the pub after work”. When I saw him he said “Hi, Kelly,” and I let him get by with that.

The next day he stopped by to apologize for being a little funny the night before, and I asked him if that’s what he did on his own every week; get drunk and go out for Chinese. He laughed which means yes, so I offered him some company next time.

I also asked him if that’s why he called me Kelly instead of Amy. Again he laughed, which means yes.

Today when I saw him he called me Mrs. Worrell. This means that he has forgotten my name again, but he knows it’s not Kelly. I let him get by with that.

My grandma uses the same trick. When she forgets your name she calls you Miss Priss or Slim or something else appropriate for a woman her age to call you.

Am I the only one who over-analyzes everything?

When someone starts to add to a lively conversation and gets interrupted, I count the number of times they retry before they give up. In less than 60 seconds I am speculating what sort of childhood they must have had.

I pay attention when people say the same things to different people in different ways, and I wonder how much they prepare. Or do lying and self-preservation come so easily?

I can spend hours supposing what that person meant when they said “you’re addictive.”

You can imagine what a challenge it is to gain control of this prideful mind. Oh, for a simple lustful thought that I could easily capture!

Reasonable Control

2005-07-25T23:14:00.000Z

Marriage is the single most important objective for most young women. The desire builds during the last days of high school and reaches a fevered pitch as they exit university. By then they’re scanning every scene, looking for anyone they could possibly live with for the rest of their life. But in fact, the right person is the one you can’t live the rest of your life without.

Kelly is my one.

Even so, there is not just one person in this world that is fitting for each of us. In reality, there are many people you are compatible with and could probably build a fantastic life with. If you choose the first one you find, and you come across other well-suited companions later in life, this may cause you confusion. It is very common to then wonder if you married the right person.

Many people feel bad when this happens, but it is not a sin for that thought to enter your mind. In fact, thoughts in general are not sin; it is what you do with them that is important.

Trigger thoughts appear all the time, often uninvited. If you give way, they can turn into willful sin.

On the other hand, if you (1) capture each thought, (2) recognize its wicked potential , and (3) choose not to indulge, then you will almost certainly avoid sin. You have to act as an observer of yourself and control your thoughts before your thoughts gain control over you.

This process only takes a few seconds. In fact, if you linger, you are probably indulging!

Do you know your own thought life; as an observer of it?

Finding your spouse is not so much about finding as it is about realizing who they are. And knowing yourself is all about recognizing what’s already there.

Pre-destination

2005-07-22T22:15:00.000Z

Not only do most people reject the theory of pre-destination, but most people won’t even consider it as a possibility. It is difficult to consider and accept because it requires us to relinquish control, and we love to be in control.

What if God has pre-destined every thing in this world? Can you allow Him that right?

When you made up your mind, did you even allow it to be possible? Were you unbiased, or did you hope you would come to a certain conclusion?

It is always wise to hold your theories with an open palm.

We must come to a point where we have no will of our own, where any answer is acceptable. If we are pre-destined, it’s okay. If we are not, it’s okay. If He leaves you with no answer, it’s okay.

When nothing can change your love for or commitment to God, maybe that is when He reveals the truth.

We’re either pre-destined or we’re not, and no matter what you believe, the truth remains. Are you willing to know it?

Love Languages

2005-07-15T23:39:00.000Z

Today I am not going to discuss love as a root of good, but rather love’s outward expression. I think it’s relevant before we go further with love vs. lust.

The way you demonstrate love and the way the people in your life need to be shown love may not be in sync.

You express love in one of 5 love languages:

(1) Words of affirmation
(2) Gifts
(3) Quality time
(4) Acts of service
(5) Physical touch

And the people you love need to “feel” loved in one of these 5 ways as well.

It is highly probable that you give love in the same way your parents showed their love for you.

My dad, for example, loves by providing services. He is the kind of person who will get off work at 7:00 pm and drive for an hour to help you load up and move to your new place, staying with it until 3:00 in the morning, even though he has to be back at work by 8:00 am. He is showing me how much he loves me by supplying me with this service.

And as it turns out, I show people I love them by doing things for them as well, at least I believe I do. If you know me and you disagree, please help me know myself better by telling me why I am wrong.

But not everyone in my life interprets service as love. Someone who needs physical touch will not recognize the way I am showing them my love. Therefore, they may feel neglected, and our relationship may become stressed.

You can significantly improve your relationships by understanding others’ love languages, but first you must recognize your own. How do you express love? And what expression makes you feel loved?

Here’s a test in case you need help, but you should be able to figure it out with little contemplation.

Further to this post, I can highly recommend Dr. Chapman’s book on the subject.

Over-compensation

2005-07-12T00:04:00.000Z

I used to have a boss who was overly cautious not to have the appearance of wrongdoing. Everything he did was so deliberate that I believe he actually gave the impression that something was wrong, exactly the opposite of what he intended.

When I would meet with him he would leave his office door cracked open just enough to be able to say that he held an open door policy. His policy was never to be behind a closed door alone with a female, other than his wife. This was one of the guidelines he followed in an effort to prevent his relationships from being questioned.

Another of his unnecessary precautions was the one-armed hug, and Rhyse is not the only man I know who insists on these. I guess the point of the one-armed hug is not to give the impression of intimacy with someone other than your spouse, but is that really necessary?

Who sits around and thinks of an open door policy? And what’s going through someone’s mind when they spoil a perfectly innocent moment by turning sideways and putting one arm around your shoulder like a pal? It makes you feel like you’ve made an advance on them.

If I give someone a big squeeze, do people always assume something is improper between us? And if I have a meeting with my boss behind a closed door, do they always assume something inappropriate is going on?

And is this really about what other people think? Or could Rhyse be struggling with lust and letting his over-compensation give him away?

Digging Deeper

2005-07-07T18:32:00.000Z

If pride and faith are just reflections of who is in control of your life, then the other roots must also have deeper issues they reflect in the same manner. It might be more precise to say that pride and faith are reflections of who has control of your life in the present. And greed and hope are reflections of who has control of your future.

A greedy person accumulates things because it is a way to exercise control over the future. Buying something gives you the sense of having something in the future. It is, effectively, providing for yourself rather than allowing God to provide for you. It holds for eating as well. Greedy people may overeat in an attempt to secure their own future satisfaction or happiness.

However, this theory leaves lust and love to be issues of control of the past. But the past is past, so is there really control to be had?

Maybe lust, greed, and pride are stages of sin. Lust is the raw desire, greed is desire with an object, and pride is desire with an object plus an action.

Perhaps it’s how sin relates to the three parts of who you are: body, soul, and spirit. Your body is your physical make up. Your soul is your emotional, mental, or psychological make up. And your spirit is what lives in you; either the spirit of the world, which you are born with, or the Holy Spirit, Who is offered to you instead.

Then pride is a sin of the body, greed is a sin of the soul, and lust is a sin of the spirit. That would explain why it is so hard for me to diagnose anyone with lust because…how can I judge another man’s spirit? And is it possible to really know whether or not another person is saved anyway? And does this mean lust is only a sin for non-Christians? Or even if we have accepted the Holy Spirit, does the spirit of the world still live is us? I always thought once you received the Holy Spirit it only remained to fight against your own flesh and soul to avoid sin.

There are more questions than answers today, but questions make great shovels.

Pride vs. Faith

2005-07-06T18:01:00.000Z

Pride is a complex notion, as are all the root issues. A lazy thinker will settle for arrogance as the definition. Some will go on to recognize that pride can also mean delight, as in being proud of your children. These are our most common applications of the word to our experiences. But as you probably expect, my meaning is different. I am talking about your character. Arrogance and delight are outward manifestations of who you are as a person. The root of pride is in your nature.

Faith is also a difficult concept. A simple definition would be trust, or if you have a healthy vocabulary, maybe assurance. Faith is almost always associated with religion, as in having faith in God. And when I use it to illustrate a root good, I can’t escape that association because I believe that all good things come from God. But again, trust and assurance are only expressions, and faith is an issue of your character.

The symptoms of pride and faith can be very similar, causing others to sense confidence and certainty, for example. The difference is in their intent.

I like the way Tanton describes a root sin as a perversion of a root good. Pride is a perversion of faith. Faith is the understanding and accepting of who is really in control of your life. Pride is resisting faith by trying to take control yourself. It is your belief that you are able to do everything necessary, now and in the future, to survive and be happy. Faith is dependent on God, while pride eliminates your need for God.

A lifetime of living is made up of a finite number of moments, and the real root issue is actually one of control or authority. Who has the right to control every moment? As you know, a moment passes quickly. A faithful person is armed for every moment because they spend so much time with God. A prideful person is weak in every moment because they spend so much time with themselves, with their own thoughts.

Perhaps pride and faith are not roots at all, but just more symptoms of whether you embrace life God's way or your own.

Words

2005-06-30T08:48:00.000Z

Our ability to understand is always limited by our experience. For example, the only way I know what the word understand means is because its definition contains other words I know like grasp, realize, and comprehend. Learning is the process of associating things you know. But again, learning is just a word, and if your only experience is memorizing facts from a history book, then you don’t understand what I am talking about.

Pride and faith, greed and hope, lust and love; these are all just words, until you have experiences that give them meaning. Nathon would like for me to define the root sins and goods, but that’s difficult to do. I can think of words that I would associate together, but can you understand what I mean?

Let me test you.

What is your definition of conviction? To the arbitrary person it probably means to be accused and sentenced or to have great dedication. But to a Christian it means something different. Accused and sentenced, yes, but not with the same experiences giving those words their meaning.

Just like conviction, the roots are words that can only produce my intended meaning when they are revealed to you by the Holy Spirit. I can define them with words, and the association will be there for the learning, but the knowing must happen first.

In life, there are some things you that can only be opened to you by the Holy Spirit, and if you have no experience with Him, then I am afraid not only will my ideas be lost on you, but you will miss out on the true and amazing meaning of life.

I am going away for a few days, but I will be working on my definitions.

By the way, did you know that logical is an antonym for arbitrary? I learned something today.

The Worst Root Sin

2005-06-29T16:48:00.000Z

I am starting to think you can identify your own root sin simply by asking yourself which one is the worst. It’s like personality types; after you read the characteristics of your type, you always think yours is the worst one.

Today I was going to write about someone who I can nearly conclude is struggling with the root of lust, but it is very hard for me to say that because it just seems like the worst root sin to have. I keep leaving him unclassified because I can’t bring myself to pin lust onto anyone.

With pride and greed you can almost rationalize them as unfortunate outcomes of the events of your childhood. Children from poor homes might eventually struggle with greed. Children who are ridiculed might eventually struggle with pride. Please don’t get me wrong, though. I said you could “almost” rationalize them, not that sin has any excuse. But lust, it just seems like pure sin and the worst of all three by far. And that makes me wonder if it is really my own root issue.

Lust is the root sin I have spent the least time researching. I have never classified one person with this root issue. Maybe it hits so close to home that I am avoiding it. Maybe I can even extend this new possibility to explain my half-hearted attempts at overcoming pride. Or is that just me being too proud to address my pride issue? Oh dear, now we go in circles!

If you haven’t been able to identify your root issue yet, try classifying other people you know. It’s a lot easier. And let me know what you think about my theory that the worst root sin is your own.

And if you’ve never discovered your personality or temperament type, I think this one is the best. After you take it, don’t forget to read about your strengths and weaknesses.

Women Can't Be Friends

2005-06-28T22:05:00.000Z

In case you haven't noticed, most of my analytical interests are men. It's not that women are not interesting to analyze. The problem is that you can't talk to women about their issues. In my experience, as soon as you take the relationship to that level, women seem to feel revealed, uncovered, maybe even judged, and it's a natural tendency is to hide.

So, there is a barrier that keeps most of my long term female relationships extremely superficial. And the intimate female relationships I do have, I find it interesting to note, are with women who are very confident and strong, more like men than women, if you can let that make sense to you.

Shirley and I have the best female relationship I have ever been in. It seems we both go out of our way to point out the negatives in each other, even to excess. Every time I see Shirley, I know she is going to ask me if I just didn't feel like getting ready that morning or remind me why she can't go running with me because my pace is too slow. It's just like the constant mockery you witness between two male friends, and it's like an open door to me that says, "it's okay to talk about our issues. No one is going to get weird about it."

That said, I don't actually spend a lot of time with Shirley. After all, I am a woman, and I can only take so much criticism. The nice thing about our relationship is that we can always pick up where we left off. No one is keeping track of whose turn it is to call the other or how one-sided the relationship is getting.

Perhaps it's the fact that a lot of women already have psychiatrists and don't need their friends digging into all their issues as well. Perhaps women have to work things out internally and are emotionally unable to disclose their struggles. And as always, I am willing to entertain the idea that maybe it's just me.

Elvis

2005-06-27T23:14:00.000Z

Totally inappropriate codename, but one of my favorite subjects! Elvis is a good example someone who is aware he has issues, but rather than let his issues control him, he is controlling his issues. This is fascinating to me!

You can tell when he’s having a moment because he says a little bit of what he wants to say, but then he stops himself and says what he should instead. Because I don’t want to spoil it for him, I almost never acknowledge that I hear that first little tidbit. But I do hear it, and it is like watching two people, the man who wants to be and the man who is. Actually, it’s more like the man he could be and the man he chooses to be.

Elvis is one of the main reasons I needed the antitheses in the root cause theory. I haven’t yet settled on what his root sin is, but I had no way to explain his choices to go against his natural tendency and do or say the right thing. Clearly that was not rooted in sin.

Elvis is one of the only people I have witnessed practicing these choices. Surely this is the answer to digging out your root sin. You must simply choose its opposite.

Of course, the way this plays itself out in real life is in the realms of the symptoms, not the roots. You have to become very good at getting to the root so that you can choose the opposite of what seems natural. Remember, the fastest way to get to the root is to keep asking why, and choosing the opposite is not the same thing as telling yourself to stop.

Although he is one of my most over-analyzed subjects, I simply can’t stop analyzing Elvis. He added such an important concept to my theory, and he may be the only hope I have for finding the clue that makes sense of it all.

Dusten

2005-06-26T02:04:00.000Z

He’s back.

I don’t know why he leaves or why he comes back. When we’re together he’s always uncomfortable.

Dusten once told me he feels like a glass of water that has a bunch of junk in it, but it’s all settled down at the bottom, forgotten. Then when he gets around me he feels like his glass has been all stirred up so that all that junk is swirling up at the top where it used to be peaceful.

Dusten is a clear example of someone who wants to be stirred. Even though he says he hates it when I dig into his issues, he wouldn’t come back if that were true. In fact, I rarely have to dig. He offers.

It would be easy for anyone to figure out that Dusten’s root sin is pride. He fits the classic definition: arrogant, selfish, and always right.

The thing that baffles me, though, is following him through his front door after work and seeing his kids go absolutely crazy over him. They adore him, and they can’t get into his arms fast enough.

I don’t think it’s just his own capacity for being childlike and fun that the kids love. Everyday Dusten comes to work with his son’s most prized and special toy. His son won’t let him leave home without it, whatever his favorite toy is that day. He wants his dad to have the one thing that is most special to him. It’s almost like the son feels protective over him or feels like he should take care of him.

Clearly Dusten has the capacity to love deeply. Other prideful people I know use this ability to recruit others into their own fan club. But Dusten reserves it strictly for his family, and I find that so curious.

I think the only reason we became friends is because I was the first co-worker to ignore his ego and pursue a healthy working relationship with him.

We’ll probably be talking about Dusten a lot for a while, since he’s back. I can tell he’s got something on his mind because he lingers longer than he should.

Nathon

2005-06-25T00:39:00.000Z

About 2 years ago Nathon helped me out with my root cause theory by making the obvious point that not all things people do are, at their root, bad. That’s when we added in the antitheses. Before then I was only using pride, greed, and lust as the roots of everything people do. That was the original message I heard on that Sunday morning when I obviously took my notes on a bulletin and threw it away on accident.

Adding in the antitheses to what used to be just the root sins caused a problem in the theory because the roots were no longer roots. Now we had two sides of something that must be even deeper. I haven’t yet been able to conclude what that next step might be. I have some thoughts that I will share, but please understand that these are not part of my root cause theory yet. These are ideas in motion. I am hoping you will be able to help me identify their strengths and weaknesses.

Maybe it’s really about time and where you live your life. Do you live your life in the past (pride)? Do you live in the future (greed)? Or do you live in the present (lust)? To expand on that a little more…

People who live in the past are often comfortable. They don’t focus on daily growing their relationship with God because they feel like it’s sort of settled in a way. They are committed but they’re just in a constant state of sameness.

People who live in the future are always thinking of what’s next. They are never comfortable. They are always looking for ways to have more or go further. These people probably have a better chance of growing as a Christian over time just due to their nature.

People who live in the present are always distracted. They don’t know if they are comfortable or not because they would never stop to think about it. They don’t know what’s coming next, and they never think about what’s happened in the past. Therefore, they don’t learn from their mistakes.

These paragraphs are by no means a full dissertation on the daily walk, common pitfalls, and what have you of these three types of people. And again, the root cause theory was never intended to be a personality type assessment anyway.

I am just trying to identify (1) what is the root issue that rears itself sometimes as pride and sometimes as faith, and (2) what can manifest itself as greed, but can also look like hope in a spirit controlled person, and (3) what is it that drives us to love, and does that same thing drive us to lust if we’re not careful?

Nathon again helped me with the idea of the past, future, and present as a potential harness for the theory. We had a good discussion about how he’s never satisfied with how things are because he is always looking ahead. And I am reasonably positive that his root sin is greed. Thank you, Nathon, for letting me burden you with all my probing questions. I don’t just do it to pass the time.

Finding the Root

2005-06-23T14:18:00.000Z

The root cause theory does not imply that everyone can be classified into three behavior categories or three personality types. Two people can struggle with the same root sin and exhibit it in very different ways.

For example, Mallory flirts with everybody. Her root sin is pride.

Dusten disregards everybody. His root sin is pride.

Two very different symptoms, one root issue.

So how do you work your way from the symptom to the root? Let’s use Mallory as an example.

Why does Mallory flirt with everybody? She likes the attention. But why does she need attention? She’s in a competition to be everyone’s favorite person. Why does she need to be singled out as their favorite? She wants to feel chosen, preferred. Why does she need to be chosen? It indulges her excessively high opinion of herself. Her root of pride is deep.

If you haven’t worked it all the way down to one of the three root issues, then you haven’t asked enough questions, or you’re not asking the right questions. If you try to just keep asking “why” you can probably get there.

By the way, I have changed my whole view on flirting, whether or not it is a sin in and of itself, after reading What Southern Women Know about Flirting. It’s not the most well written book in the world, but the fact that someone actually wrote that down and gave away all our secrets makes it worth a look.

Root Cause Analysis

2005-06-22T23:04:00.000Z

Everything you do in life has a root cause. Nothing is arbitrary. There are basically three roots that "cause" everything you do. In fact, most people struggle with one in particular for their whole life. The pattern is already there, you just have to realize it.

The root sins are PRIDE, GREED, and LUST.

The root goods are FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE.

And in fact, these should be paired up as PRIDE/FAITH, GREED/HOPE, and LUST/LOVE. Each pair has the root sin and its antithesis.

You will get a War and Peace on this later, I assure you. But I just wanted to introduce you to the theory today so that I can use it right away and you'll have a rough idea what I am talking about.

This is not my theory. I can't remember who told me about it, though. I have looked through all my old journals trying to find the notes I took that Sunday morning, but I can't find anything.

Root cause analysis is really the only tool you need as a closet psychiatrist. You can understand and bear with people so much easier when you realize what's driving them, and even more when you realize why it's driving them.

Every action has a root cause that can be identified. Let the search begin!

Mallory

2005-06-21T23:34:00.000Z

A classic case in many ways, although she'd die at the thought she's that easy. She thinks she's complex, but I understood her the moment I tried.

Hi, I'm Amy, and I'm a closet psychiatrist. I can't NOT analyze everything that goes on around me, and I especially enjoy analyzing the people in my life. I want to know every person in a way they have never been known before. I want to ask the unexpected question, give the unexpected reply, make a moment out of everything. I think everyone ought to look at themselves and try to understand why they are the way they are. Why would anyone NOT want to understand himself? Even if they don't want to understand, if I meet them I must "know" them, and they are bound to get caught in the cross wind.

Mallory is the classic case of a girl who blossomed late in life. She never had the chance to do something stupid and blame it on being a kid. Everything she has done, she has allowed. And that makes for a hard night's sleep. I don't know how to get her to grips with herself. Probably because I can't get myself to grips with her.

She is an interesting subject who we will spend a lot of time getting to know. Don't worry, her name's not really Mallory. All the names in this blog will be changed by my secret encoding scheme. See if you can crack the code. Maybe it's you I am talking about :)

Blog Virgin

2005-06-20T23:57:00.000Z

Although I have heard of blogs, I have never thought of one as a real outlet for all the things that run through my head. But perhaps...